If not in Life then in Death
by Jamethiel
Summary: Kaworu is sent to heaven and Shinji sent to hell. Will this finally break the Third Children? Or will his sacrifice save them all?
1. With you

**Disclaimer: Hi, I'm Jamethiel, I'm just writing to say that Evangelion does not belong to me. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no financial gain was a result of this story. Please don't sue me because I don't own anything. The only thing I own is my computer and considering the state of my mind I don't think you would want.**

**To all of my fans(if I have any), you would recognize this story as the beginning of Heaven nor Hell, my series that I started a while ago. I'm sorry but with work and all I can no longer continue it. Thank you all for any support and I hope I may return to the writing field in shall we say 2 years time. After year 12, but I do hope you all remember the name Jamethiel and if anyone wants to chat please feel welcome to contact me. I love chatting. But if your interested in the series I have it down below but I'm warning you. IT IS INCOMPLETE AND WILL NOT BE COMPLETED INDEFINITELY.**

**Please be gentle, this was my first story and I'm very sensitive. I hope you like it.**

**PS. I got 64 reviews for my series when I had it on fanfiction.net. (I was so happy I couldn't sleep for ages*smiles shyly* but then they got nasty and homophobic*pouts*) well see you all later. ja**

**If not in Life then in Death**

A boy approximately the age of fifteen tossed back his pure white hair as he drew his forefinger under his nose. This boy looked quite young, yet the sorrow in his eyes reflected a life full of pain and death. The glare from the streetlight created dark shadows that decorated his hair, throwing his face into a labyrinth of shadows. With keys dangled from his index finger, Kaworu lightly tapped his foot as he silently waited for his friend. Finally his friend stepped through the door, the light behind the boy kept his expression hidden before the engulfing shadows, beyond the safety of the haven created by his house. When Kaworu had settled himself on the cold but familiar seat of the motorcycle, he beckoned Shinji to him.

Kaworu- Shinji, get on. If we don't hurry we'll be late to the party."

Shinji smiled at his best friend as he daintily got on behind Kaworu, chasing away his apprehensive mood with happy thoughts. Shinji was a young boy near Kaworu's age but with a slighter and more feminine appearance. His jet-black hair was in a much tidier state than Kaworu's own yet his eyes portrayed the same sorrow that Kaworu's eyes possessed. Lines that should not be upon the face of a fifteen-year-old were etched there in eternal residence. Shinji's eyes were full of longing that would never be fulfilled, he wanted . . .

                                                ~ --------------------------- ~

At the party Shinji lightly weaved his way in and out of the guests as he kept his eyes trained upon Kaworu. Shinji's voice caught in his throat as Kaworu looked at him. Turning away in surprise, Shinji he thought he saw a trace of love in Kaworu's beautiful, boredom glazed eyes. At that moment Shinji's eye caught the dangerous glimmer of steel. With a yell that echoed throughout the hall he knock Kaworu to the ground as a bullet slammed into his chest. Then everything went black. Nothing mattered anymore.

The scream seemed to echo in Kaworu's ears. Shinji's scream, "_Kaworu". Kaworu caught Shinji just before his head hit the cold hard marble. With his arm lovingly supporting his head, Kaworu whispered Shinji's name, but when Shinji didn't answer Kaworu called louder and louder until he was screaming but he didn't shake the still boy in the slightest, he only lovingly held Shinji in his embrace. Tears poured down his face as he dipped his head. His forehead rested lightly upon Shinji's shoulder. He whispered._

Kaworu- Shinji, I love you.

A small circle of astonished spectators gathered around the cold body of Shinji. Kaworu heard nothing; he was remembering Shinji's hesitant smile when he first saw him. He thought of the time when they had a bath together. He thought of the time he slept over at Shinji's house listening to Shinji breath, dreaming about what it would be like to hold him within his embrace. Now the only embrace Kaworu could give Shinji was the embrace of sorrow as he felt Shinji's body, go cold. Another shot rang out through the air the bullet missing the intended mark by far. Guards tearing their eyes away from Kaworu and Shinji took up the chase. When eventually they caught the assassin they found out it was Asuka.

Asuka- You monster get away from him. How dare you touch him? You stole him . . .

Kaworu gingerly raised his head, agony written clearly upon his face. He said one word.

Kaworu- Why?

Asuka- You stole him.

Kaworu- What do you mean?

Asuka- Shinji said he left me because he didn't love me. It has to be you.

Kaworu- How can you be so sure? If he loves me he has never shown it. He is my closest friend. We fought through the angel attacks together. We have gone through life and death together. How can you kill someone as passionate as Shinji? He loved the world.

Asuka- I wanted to kill you but Shinji jumped in my way. So he deserved to die. Him giving his life up for you only proves that he loves you.

Kaworu- That is why Eva-02 was taken away from you. You're crazy.

With those words echoing in Asuka's mind she was forcefully hauled away. All the while she was mumbling incoherent words under her breath, her body limp within the hold of the two expressionless guards. Suddenly as though a revelation came to her she started to struggle but her futile movements only caused to guards to tighten their grip. 

Asuka- I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE KAWORU . . . KAWORU. 

Shinji was so light in Kaworu's arms. Gendo Ikari laid his hand on Kaworu's shoulder as though to comfort him but Kaworu pulled away.

Gendo- Kaworu . . .

Kaworu- Keep away.

Gendo- Kaworu calm down. You can't bring back the dead to life. Shinji wouldn't want you to be so sad. 

Kaworu- I love him Commander Ikari. I loved him all along. Everyday I dreamed of holding him in my arms as I do now but the only time I can do so now is when he's dead. HE'S DEAD. HE'S DEAD.

With a heart-wrenching sob Kaworu dragged his shaking body from the floor and staggered to the door. Shinji was so light in his arms. Kaworu staggered from sorrow that was tearing away at his heart. He wanted to escape the truth. Shinji wasn't dead; Shinji was alive, ALIVE. Carrying the still body he ran blindly to the forest near the party. Some of the party members made as though to follow them but Gendo Ikari blocked their path.

Gendo- Leave him alone. He just needs to calm down and accept the truth.

Kaworu ran not knowing his course, not knowing his purpose. All he knew was that he needed to escape. He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. Shinji isn't dead. Shinji isn't dead. Finally Kaworu came to a stop as he neared a cliff. With Shinji's cold body in his warm loving, embrace he sank to his knees near the edge of the cliff. The bottom of the cliff was unsightable although there was no fog or vegetation obscuring the view. The cliff sank into darkness. Kaworu did not notice his surroundings. All of his attention was trained on the cold body of the one he loved with his whole heart but now his love is no more for death holds his love now in his embrace. 

Kaworu will never hear Shinji's sweet laughter again. Never again will Shinji sit behind him on his motorcycle with his arms around Kaworu's waist the wind whipping through their hair. Never again will Shinji play his cello as Kaworu accompanied him with the piano, the musical notations brought to life by their instruments. Never again will these everyday occurrences that he took for granted happen again. Shinji was lost to him forever, his love. 

Kaworu regretted with his whole heart his hesitance at expressing his love for Shinji. Kaworu raised his head to the heavens before lowering his head once more, gently the starlit sky was illuminated by a red tinge that surround the two with shower of blood. He couldn't live without Shinji, he couldn't. With his arms cradling Shinji's head, the red rain dampening his hair with the sky's own sorrow, in that instant an unearthly glow surrounded him. Kaworu looked deep into Shinji's innocent face, he looked strangely more peaceful in death. The line's that decorated Shinji's face in weaves of experiences and brushes with death, had disappeared from the face of the one he loved, Kaworu took a deep life strengthening breath and felt.

Kaworu- Shinji, I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Remember you were standing looking at the sunset and I sat on a rock humming? I read all about you in the papers all over the world. I have a diary of your pictures, pictures of us; I treasure that diary beyond all my other possessions. When I first saw you, I thought I would cease to be. You looked beautiful, the last glimmers of the setting sun playing upon your face, the waves lapping near your feet, and your face framed by your wind swept hair. Do you believe in love at first sight? I do, because on that day I felt it. You're the love of my life; I was so scared that if I told you I loved you, you would pull away. I was so scared. Now I regret my cowardice. Shinji, do you remember the first time I entered The Evolution Project? Remember when we had that bath, and I put my hand over yours? I wanted to tell you my feelings then, but the bravery would not come. I was so scared that you would refuse my love. I treasure the memories of our duets, watching the sunset beyond the far horizon; the very musical notations were brought to life, permeating the air with your vibrancy and innocence. Shinji, how could you leave me behind? How could you?

Kaworu's head lowered, his bangs covering his eyes. Salty tears ran down Kaworu's cheeks and trickled down Shinji's chest into his lap, mingling with the rain that had already gathered there for their farewell. These words were but a summary of all Kaworu wanted to say, but no matter what Kaworu said now Shinji would never hear, his eyes closed eternally in death. From the first day Kaworu saw Shinji he knew that he would never let Shinji leave him behind. If Shinji went, Kaworu knew he would follow.

Eyeing the cliff before them, Kaworu rose gracefully, with his decision clear in his mind he smiled, an upturn of the lips that was turned bitter by sorrow. Walking to the edge of the cliff Kaworu stared down into darkness, unconcerned with the height. Lowering Shinji's feet to the ground Kaworu held him tightly in his embrace. With tears of farewell in his eyes he flung himself head first down the cliff, his arms locked tightly around his love, with a single whisper he was no more.

Shinji, I love you now and forever. You can't leave me alone. . .

Author's Note: As I said before, because I lost interest into making this one-shot into a series I left some OOC traits with Gendo and Asuka. They were there for a reason and there was going to be this whole deception and psychological experiments and demon interference thing with it but well it didn't pan out. Gendo, was supposed to have been kind and touch Kaworu drugging him and instilling him with the desire of death and Asuka was a whole subplot of betrayal and the betrayer turning her hatred onto the one that supposedly wronged her(ie.Shinji) and stuff. But there is a slight good news.

I have all that I wrote when this was a series up on MediaMiner.org but I'm sorry to say I won't be continuing it. I'm sorry if you liked it but I procrastinate too much and Year 11 is killing me. It's not good anyway, I was experimenting with ideas and style and they kind of sucked like this chapter does. Oh well. Here's the link to it:

Have mercy because this is the first story I ever wrote.


	2. Away from you

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot, the characters belong to their respective owners and I don't have a biscuit crumb to give away because it all belongs to my family, I can't even eat a pie from my fr. . . my parent's fridge without asking then the only answer I get is no, your too fat, that's all I get. Anyway I don't own a thing . . . (flashback to the real world) "no mum get away and for the last time mum I'm not les, no this isn't one of my gay stories . . ."(back to fanfic world) fans tell my mum I don't write les stories   
  
Heaven nor Hell 2  
  
******DREAM*******  
  
Kaworu dragged his feet through the brown and decaying mud, as he surveyed his surroundings, the place was desolate, barely ably to see past one meter due to the thick but strangely violet mists, tears poured down his face as he laid eyes on Shinji's deatheningly pale face, Shinji smiled as though in comfort the light that first captured Kaworu it their depths continued to star back from the face of his angel. Refusing to believe the only light of his grim world was about to depart from him Kaworu continued to walk, through the mud, through the encircling mists, through the pain, through the desire, through the love. Kaworu continued to walk on, Shinji's insistent tugging on his clothes finally caused Kaworu to look down into Shinji's gingerly smiling face, Shinji reached one hand up to caress Kaworu's tear stained face, Kaworu allowed a single sob to break from his lips. As Shinji opened his mouth as though to utter a sentence a rustling echoed throughout the wastelands, Kaworu's head snapped up as black ribbons flew towards Shinji's unprotected body. Shifting positions at a speed past human expectations he shielded Shinji's body with his own. Kaworu smiled as Shinji's face contorted in horror as he realized what Kaworu was about to do. Just as Kaworu raised his lips in a sad smile the black ribbons flowered from his chest. The tips of the ribbons were a multitude of point and those points split to form small white roses the size of fingernails, stained by Kaworu's own blood. Shinji stared in horror and looked up into Kaworu's pain filled yet satisfied features, in that brief instant Kaworu saw all the experiences with Shinji slash before his eyes, a cold tinkling laughter drove through Shinji's dreamlike state and as Shinji felt his body slip through Kaworu's arms and thud onto the ground Shinji finally screamed, a scream of utter torment that pushed Shinji's battered body to one last action of love, the slipping of Shinji's hand into Kaworu's own in the last act of defiance of destiny's plot to separate them. In an almost languid way the attackers slithered out of Kaworu's body. As Kaworu allowed Shinji's body to slip from his arms the ribbons found their target. Kaworu kept his hand around Shinji's own as he to slid to the ground the blood pooling around him the bloodied ground forming paths of blood into the mist enclosed darkness, as Kaworu drowned in Shinji's passion filled eyes, Shinji's hand was wrenched from his own, he could only watch in horror as they dragged his love away, Shinji winced in pain from the injuries he had already received before the attack. Dragging himself slightly forward he managed to slip his hand once more around Shinji's own and clung on as the ribbon's dragged them both along the ground. Shinji shook his hand as though wishing Kaworu to let go, a sob exploded unbidden from Shinji's dry lips.  
  
Shinji- Don't Kaworu, if you loose too much blood you will die. Kaworu- If they want you they must kill me first, I love you Shinji and if death plots to separate us then let him plot for he will only separate us in body, my soul will always reside in your body. Shinji- As my soul in your.  
  
A single black ribbon wrapped it's bloodied tip against Kaworu's wrist, Kaworu gasped as the ribbon tightened painfully cutting through his fleshinto his bone. Refusing to let go, Kaworu allowed his lifeblood from his wrist to joined the blood that marked Kaworu's passage. As Kaworu continued to look into Shinji's eyes, Shinji smiled as Kaworu continued to drown in Shinji's eyes, Shinji said a lone sentence:  
  
Shinji- But I want you to live  
  
Shinji allowed his fingers to open as the ribbon's pulled Kaworu's hand from Shinji's own and threw Kaworu back into the swirling mists. Kaworu forced himself to his feet the blood running in rivulets down his tattered and bloodied body, with his eyes trained on Shinji he reached out his bloodied fingertips to Shinji's own out reached fingers as his body once more thudded onto the ground as they dragged his beloved across the ground, his gaze never left Shinji's own. Kaworu forced his feet beneath his battered body once more lurching to his feet the blood turning from the red it had once been to the deep red almost black color that told Shinji it was too late for Kaworu to seek life as an option. Kaworu continued to stare into Shinji's eyes, even as Shinji's eyes widened in horror and a scream tore from his beloved's chest Kaworu never drew himself up from the ocean depths of Shinji's eyes, Kaworu never felt as the ribbons flew towards his neck and thudded into his unprotected human flesh, decapitating him, Kaworu's eyes still trained on Shinji's horrified face even as his eyes flew lifeless from his body rolling across the soil staining the ground with his flesh tissue. His head rightened on the cold earth as his eyes continued their ever-observant vigil on his love.  
  
******END OF DREAM********  
  
Kaworu's eyelids slowly forced their way open, his face strangely calm as the memories of his dreams flooded back, then the strangely realistic flare to the dream hit him, tears coursed down his cheeks and he sobbed bitterly into the bed covers. In the brief aftermath of the dream reality was dream and dream was reality for the heartbroken Kaworu. Shinji was dead and neither dream nor reality mattered anymore, all that meant anything was Shinji and Shinji was gone. Lifting his head he surveyed his surroundings in puzzlement, then abruptly it hit him, he wasn't in the forest . . .  
  
~-----------------------------~  
  
Stirring from unconsciousness Shinji was shaken from the images of Kaworu's death. Shinji gingerly opened his eyes to face the ground as he felt pain assault him. Someone laughed behind him and Shinji closed his eyes unable or unwilling to comprehend the situation, the voice was so familiar. Opening his eyes wide he felt his clothes ripped away and something that felt like fingers push into his anus. His body clenching surprise as pain flowered between his legs. Shinji was a young and fragile young boy, still the age of 15 his body was still not even fully mature yet despite the innocence of his age even that would not stop this other young man from taking his body like a common whore. He felt the figure behind him laugh and he felt more fingers push into him, closing his eyes Shinji whimpered pain overloading his senses making him oblivious to any other sensations other than the breath taking pain that ripped through his inexperienced body. As the brutally dry fingers left his body he sighed in relief at the departure but the relief turned into overwhelming pain as thin fingers were replaced by the his tearing fist worming it's way into Shinji's fragile body. A scream of torment echoed throughout the room, Shinji felt his flesh rip and heard the dripping of his blood, how he did not know but all he could hear was the drip, drip, drip of blood that stained the earth. Suddenly Shinji slammed back into reality as the fist within his body flexed and he hear him whisper into his ears.  
  
HIM- I won't kill you, your still too useful. I loved you so much but you betrayed me.  
  
Shinji whimpered as the fist pulled out of his tortured body and the blood spilled onto the ground. Clenching his eyes tightly closed Shinji determinately clamped his teeth tightly shut as he was resolved not to let him have satisfaction from his screams and whimpers. Forcing his mind to retreat from the present, as his whole body was aflame with pain he succeeded but only for a few seconds before he felt a new shift of events. Shinji felt his body flipped onto his back and him kneel between his legs and he felt something that was definitely not a hand worm it's way into his orifice. It would take away the most precious thing that belonged to him. His eyes widening he laid eyes on him before he closed his eyes and forgetting his earlier resolution he scream, his wordless echoing cry tearing through the atmosphere more in torment than real physical pain. . . it was . . .him . . .  
  
Shinji- NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . .  
  
~-----------------------------~  
  
Kaworu's reverie at his surroundings was shattered as he felt pain grip his chest and tear through his soul. A single word echoed through his heart. SHINJI. The creature beside him looked at Kaworu in puzzlement. The creature looked like any other young man, his white hair cascading down his back in beautiful strands that seemed to reflect the light that radiated from his body. The young man's pale features were a direct contract to his dark and mysterious eyes making him look beautiful in his mysteriousness yet also strangely like a dead corpse. Kneeling beside Kaworu he frowned, he eyed Kaworu and laying a hand on his shoulder asked him.  
  
Young man- Kaworu, What's wrong?  
  
Kaworu's eye widened as he uttered a single word that bared his soul.  
  
Kaworu- Shinji.  
  
The young man frowned at Kaworu's words his own thoughts plaguing his mind at Kaworu's words; he should not be able to remember anything. The young man smiled at Kaworu and laid his hand on Kaworu's head, then Kaworu's eye clouded. The man asked Kaworu.  
  
Young man- Who is Shinji?  
  
Kaworu stared at the young man in confusion.  
  
Kaworu- Who is Shinji?  
  
Head lowered he smiled briefly in satisfaction before raising his head and feinting bafflement replied.  
  
Young man- You just said his name. Kaworu- Must have been nothing Nathiel.  
  
Nathiel smiled in a false manner and lead Kaworu to his new home. Even as Kaworu uttered these words he felt a pressure on his chest. He felt as though he was forgetting something really important . . .  
  
Author's note: sorry guys I don't know where this is going, we have to find out where Kaworu is, we have to find out who the person raping Shinji is, we have to find out why the fic's called heaven nor hell we have to find out whether I will kill off the lovers of allow a happy ending, darn it. All these what ifs and whens and whos are making my head spin. We even have to find out how to get my mum off the idea that I'm lesbian darn it. Sigh. I don't know what to do . . . If you can send me an e-mail or a review, I don't know where I'm going with this so your ideas can maybe fuel a few of mine.  
  
Guys enjoy my fic and hope you like it, this is my first fic so forgive me if it sucks. 


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